Category Archives: Humour

Birth Certificate: She’s Pleased to Have One At Last


Via (Norman Scarth):



Deek Jackson

New news. Alarmingly funny and painfully true.


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Posted by on 2012-01-20 in Education, Humour


Calling Captain Osborne



A recording has surfaced this morning. I set out the transcript in full:

Cost Guard: Hello.

Captain: Good evening, chief.

Cost Guard: Listen, this is La Garde from IMF. Am I speaking with the captain?

Captain: Good evening, Chief La Garde.

Cost Guard: Tell me your name, please.

Captain: I am Captain Osborne, chief.

Coat Guard: Osborne?

Captain: Yes.

Cost Guard: Listen, Osborne. There are people trapped on board. Now, you go with your lifeboat. Under the bow of the Economy, on the right side, there is a ladder. You climb on that ladder and go on board the Economy. Go on board the Economy and get back to me and tell me how many people are there. Is that clear. I am recording this conversation, Captain Osborne.

(Captain tries to speak but IMF can’t hear him clearly.)

Cost Guard: Speak up! (captain tries to speak) Captain, put your hand over the microphone and stop speaking in that ridiculously plummy, posh voice!

Captain: At this moment the UK Economy is listing.

Cost Guard: There are some bankers who are coming down the ladder on the bow. Go back in the opposite direction, get back on the Economy, and tell me how many people there are and what they have on board. Tell me if there are children, women, disabled, unemployed, NHS patients and what type of help they need. And you tell me the number of each of these categories. Is that clear?


Listen Osborne, perhaps you have saved yourself from the crisis but I will make you look very bad. I will make you pay for this. Dammit, go back on board!

(Noise can be heard in the background. Apparently other IMF officials are shouting to each other in the same room about “the rating, the rating”)

Captain: Please …

Cost Guard: There is no ‘please’ about it. Get back on board. Assure me you are going back on board!

Captain: I’m in a private hedgefund, I am under here. I am not going anywhere. I am here.

Cost Guard: What are you doing, captain?

Captain: I am here to coordinate the rescue plan…

Cost Guard (interrupting): What are you coordinating there! Get on board! Coordinate the rescue plan from on board! Are you refusing?

Captain: No, I am not refusing.

Cost Guard: Are you refusing to go aboard, captain? Tell me the reason why you are not going back on board.

Captain: (inaudible)… record-low interest rates…

Cost Guard (interrupting, yelling): You get back on board! That is an order! There is nothing else for you to consider. You have sounded the “Quantitative Easing Alarm”. Now I am giving the orders. Get back on board. Is that clear? Don’t you hear me?

Captain: I am going abroad.

Cost Guard: Go! Call me immediately when you are on board. My rescue crew are in front of the bow. Wait, what? ABOARD not ABROAD.

Captain: Where is your rescue crew?

Cost Guard: My rescue crew is at the bow. Go! There are already bodies, Osborne. Go!

Captain: How many bodies are there?

Cost Guard: I don’t know! … Liam Fox, Andy Coulson…  Christ, you should be the one telling me that!

Captain: Do you realize that it is dark and we can’t see anything?

Cost Guard: So, what do you want to do, to go home, Osborne?! It’s dark and you want to go home? Go to the bow of the Economy where the ladder is and tell me what needs to be done, how many people there are, and what they need! Now!

Captain: My second in command is here with me.

Cost Guard: Then both of you go! Both of you! What is the name of your second in command?

Captain: His name is Danny (static)”

Cost Guard: What is the rest of his name?

(static… “you go” – “no, you go” … static)

Cost Guard: You and your second in command get on board now! Is that clear?

Captain: Look, chief, I want to go aboard but the austerity plan here is drifting. I have called Dav…

Cost Guard (interrupting): You have been telling me this for an hour! Now, go aboard! Get on board, and tell me immediately how many people there are!

Captain: OK, chief.

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Posted by on 2012-01-18 in Humour


You’ve Been Indefinitely Detained! Helpful Information From Your U.S. Government!


You've Been Indefinitely Detained! Helpful Information From Your U.S. Government!

You've Been Indefinitely Detained! Helpful Information From Your U.S. Government!


Nick Clegg meets St. Peter

A commentator (Stav) made this joke on True for all politicians.

” While walking down the street one day a ‘Member of Parliament’ is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

‘Welcome to heaven,’ says St. Peter. ‘Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.’

‘No problem, just let me in,’ says the man.

‘Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.’

‘Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,’ says the MP.

‘I’m sorry, but we have our rules.’

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises…

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

‘Now it’s time to visit heaven.’

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter

‘Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.’

The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: ‘Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.’

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. ‘I don’t understand,’ stammers the MP. ‘Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?’

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ‘Yesterday we were campaigning.. ..

Today you voted.’ “

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Posted by on 2011-12-11 in Humour


The Olympics is coming up



Fooled you



Parody: Fox News UK at the Occupy LSX


Starring Jolyon Rubinstein
Camera/edit Heydon Prowse and Jolyon Rubinstein
Animation – William Pine
Script – Jolyon Rubinstein, Heydon Prowse, Ben Ockrent

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Posted by on 2011-10-22 in Humour


Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here

From: (2011-10-18)


Why I Use Paypal

I hate PayPal (andEBay, and Amazon, and ….).

Does anyone know of an alternative?


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